A few weeks ago, we rumbled about our “Pet Peeves.” Since then, I’ve been living at home and have collected some new ones. All of them involve a strange and obstinate species known as baby boomers. Take a look.
Boomers Love to Type like Velociraptors
Pops, please grow up and rest your fingers on the home row like a civilized human being. Thank me.
In the words of Mavis Beacon:
Boomers Love Not Learning
(yelled from the “Computer Room”) “Petey, how do I save this file?”
Petey ignores; continues watching Ultimate Warrior: William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu.
“Petey? Can you come here and help me?”
“You just go to file + save, ma.”
“Just come here and show me.”
Petey stomps upstairs and helps the boomer.
“Ok, so did you see that?”
Gleefully, “Yeah! How did you do that?”
Petey shows her again. Stomps back downstairs.
10 minutes later. “Petey, I have to save something else.”
“Do what I just showed you, ma!”
“Could you just come up here and show me?”
Boomers Love to Save Time When it Matters Least
Every time I’m in the supermarket with a boomer, this happens:
“You stand in that line, and I’ll stand in this line, and we’ll pick one when it gets close.” They always whisper it, like we’re planning a god damn heist or something.
Then they’ll wink at you when the scheme saves a solid 2 minutes.
fuckin smug-ass boomers.
Boomers Love Not Being Able to See Without Glasses
“Mom, did I spell roomate right?”
“Hold on, let me just get my glasses.”
“No, just look real quick.”
“No, I can’t see without my glasses.”
“Nevermind then, I’ll just go spellcheck it.”
“No, I’ll take a look, it’s alright.”
Boomer proceeds to go upstairs, shuffle through purse for full five minutes, then returns.
“So is it right?” I ask.
“You know, I’m not sure. Why don’t we look it up. I’ll go get the dictionary.”
Boomers also love dictionaries.
Boomers Love to Wear Giveaway Polos
Can you read that shirt? That’s right. It says “Joomla!” Did you know that this Joomla! is a Dutch Jenkem distributor? Neither did my dad. But the shirt was FREE at a charity golf outing. He rocks it with pride and ignorance.
Boomers Love to Discuss the Roads They Use to Get Somewhere with Other Boomers Who Use Other Roads to Get to that Same Place
A discussion about how to get to Seaview Park:
Boomer 1: “Well, we typically shoot down Ridge Road and get onto 631 right above Washville. We stay 631 until the crossover for 88, stick on that for about eighty miles, then we take the State Shoreway down through the Aspett Toll Plaza. Then it’s just the Seaview Exit just after that. Easy enough.”
Boomer 2: “Ah, interesting. See I skip Ridge Road altogether and get on 57, hang in the middle lane, and don’t get onto 631 until well beyond Farland Heights. Then it’s just a short way over to 88, just like you said, except we only stay on for a couple miles, get off at Exit 14 where there’s this great pie stand, and take backroads right along route 7 until you end up getting to Seaview coming in from the West.”
“Did you say Exit 14?”
“Yep, Exit 14?”
“Huh. I’ll have to try that sometime.”
Riveting. Next time you hear this convo, just think to yourself:
Boomers Love to Talk Shit*
*Especially Obvious Shit
“Honey, make sure you lock the door to the house and turn all the lights off when you head out.”
“Honey, make sure you put the key in the ignition before you try to turn the car on.”
“Honey, make sure you don’t apply Carmex with a butter knife while simultaneously wearing a blindfold and Crisco-coated boxing gloves when you’re at the wheel. But if you do, wear a seatbelt and keep your hands at 10 and 2.”
Actually pretty sound advice. But still.
Pete the Peasant